Rhythmic Reflections

Moving..

2010-10-06T20:57:00.002+02:00

I originally started this blog mainly for the exercise of writing my thoughts. I didn't think too many people read it but I've been surprised by the people I've met who say they enjoy it. I've decided to move the blog to posterous - I'm not really sure why, it just feels a little easier to use. So here's the link: http://mysticd.posterous.com . See you there :)

breathing the wind..

2009-08-20T13:53:00.004+02:00

the wild wind spoke to me the other night

the same breath that we breath that gives us life

and makes the trees dance and sing their wild, reckless song

the same wind that causes my wind-chime to resonate with my soul

the same breath that breaths the music that flows from my flute

And so the wind was wondering why we hide inside

And it was wild and strong and powerful, yet sad

sad that we feel we don't fit

sad that we feel everything is moving so fast

and that everything is so out of control

And it told me we need to breath more

and remember that the air we breath is part of us

just like the sounds we hear, the light we see, the food we taste and smell

the cold and the heat that we feel

a combination of Earth, Water, Fire

and Wind

And then I realized I was talking to myself

but so was the wind..

Friday afternoon mindstream..

2009-08-14T16:33:00.005+02:00

Sometimes I just let my thoughts flow, without trying too hard to contain them - just go with it and see what happens. Like this:

My youngest daughter can't entirely read yet. So she has this oral she needs to do at school, but obviously can't just use crib notes. The solution: I drew some little pictures - icons - for her to remember the various sections of her talk. Bushbabies live in trees - so I drew a tree with a house on it. Bushbabies are bluish grey but the South African version is slightly yellow - I drew my version of a bushbaby eating custard. Isabelle loves custard - so despite the picture looking more like a stick man, with a tail, holding a square over a circle (instant custard being poured into a bowl) she remembered it. And for the bluish grey - I drew a cloud. Within a few minutes we had memorized the whole thing and she got it right first time.

This got me thinking about language - and hieroglyphics and other symbol based systems of writing. We tend to see writing as a contained unit. I give you a book and that's pretty much it - you read it and you're expected to get it all from the words used. Or like reading what I'm writing here. I sort-of expect you to understand what I'm getting at without having too much context.

But perhaps it all started differently. What if writing wasn't so much to contain a message, but the symbols were used to remind the 'reader' of a story they already had heard. That the symbols and the culture went together - like maps to a 'file' that contained that knowledge.

But I guess that's what words do as well, or names of people, animals, things. Each word, each phrase triggering a memory.

So I did some research to find out the origin of language - and got everything from theories about the tower of Babel and language supposedly being proof of a higher power, to whole lot of other stuff that you only find on the www. But the one thing that triggered a thought, as words tend to do, was the recursive nature of language, which led me to think about the word 'word'. We have a word for 'word', a word used to describe itself, which reminded me of an old friend who used to say 'Words don't have meaning, meaning has words'.

But there's another lesson in here - that the mind is full of words that take up so much space and time, full of meanings and memories and perhaps all this stuff is there because if it wasn't, then maybe there wouldn't be any meaning at all. And perhaps this is the truth of truths - that, as a very wise man once said, what we need isn't meaning, but an experience of being truly alive. And if, every now and again, we don't allow all these words to get in the way, that might just happen. So now is a good time to stop this flow of words and go and enjoy the weekend....

What if?

2009-08-13T15:49:00.002+02:00

All throughout life we are taught that there is something we need to attain. Something out there that will make us happy. Something that, when we achieve it or reach a certain goal, we will be complete, whole, enlightened, whatever.

And so we spend our lives trying to find this thing or this place, or we come to the conclusion that we're not good enough for this and so we give up, spending the rest of our lives making excuses as to why it wasn't meant for us, but believing we're some kind of failure.

But - what if that's all wrong, that this 'system' is all messed up. And that the whole time everything we needed, everything that matters, was all already there, all the time, we just forgot..

That this 'reality' existed right here, right under our noses, we just became so involved in everything else, that we somehow forgot - forgot how to truly see, forgot who we really are.

Secrets

2009-07-14T08:58:00.000+02:00

Most of what's going on in the universe is a secret. That sounds so far away, and yet most of what is going on in my body right now, in my mind is also in secret, not only to you, but to me. My heart continues beating, pumping blood through my body, and a community of millions of cells quietly go about their business of keeping 'me' going.

We live with the illusion that we know what's going on around us, that 'they' know who I am, what we're doing. We go into meetings thinking that we all know what we're talking about, that we understand each other, and yet most of what is in our minds remains a secret.

And when we do connect with each other, how that information is transferred, how it creates the reality in my brain is also a secret, a mystery.

I was sitting at an airport recently. No-one knew me. Very few people even spoke my language. To some I was a tourist who's bag needed wrapping, to some I was this stranger buying stuff with money that I didn't understand and they spoke slower in Spanish, so that perhaps by some miracle I would understand. and when I left the memory of me would vanish into the stream of people the same way the drops of water in a river is constantly disappearing before our eyes, without us noticing, because all we see is this continuous stream of water.

And then to the customs official I was a drug smuggler. I looked the part having just spent days in the mountains, unshaven, tanned, grubby clothes, traveling alone with a backpack. At least that is how it seems, but what was really on his mind was a secret, as was what was on mine. It was my secret that I was a seeker, a traveller, a magician, a father, a husband, a musician, a thinker - all of the ways I see myself, but to him I was a suspect. And when, to his surprise, he found nothing I wonder what I became and whether I will ever be remembered by him and the cute translator who interrogated me. That too is a secret.

And this is the question - does anything really exist, because everything in the Universe is dependent on everything else. Do I really exist except for the image of me that is in the mind of those who love me, and the memories I have of who I am, where I've been and these thoughts that have a life of their own.

So perhaps the key is to hold it all lightly, to realize that nothing really exists apart from everything else. That reality is what we create every moment, this moment, the only moment there ever is. The echoes of the secret past and the anticipation of a secret future all constantly being created and forgotten, right now.

an ode to the rhythm of life

2009-04-04T09:42:00.003+02:00

Everything has rhythm. The moon hs rhythm, the sun, the planets circling the sun all following their own cycle. The Universe is pulsing with endless and multidemensional polyrythms.

And we too, a profound expression of all of this, also have our own rhythms. Our heart beat, sleeping and waking, the movement of walking, our daily routines - all are rhythm.

And yet somehow human beings have become so accustomed to the tick, tick, tick of time. The clock telling us when it's time to wake up, when it's time to eat, go to work, have lunch. It's time to pay our bills, pay our taxes, time to vote. We pay for time, get paid for time, have to put in leave in order to make use of the time that is granted to us by a higher power. There's time for tv, time for bed, time to retire. How much time do we have left until we die..

And yet underneath it all is the gentle, constant, rhythm. Our hearts beating, and our chest rising and falling with each breath, like the tides of the ocean dancing to the rhythm of the moon.

Perhaps our survival, our response to this 'global crisis' is not so much about bail-outs, reducing carbon emissions, working harder, and all of the so-called solutions we come up with to fix a problem that we really don't fully understand.

Perhaps it's more about learning to listen again, learning to surf, learning to dance, learning to drum like our ancestors did - moving, breathing and making love to the rhythm of life.

The shapes that shape us

2009-02-16T09:27:00.004+02:00

Why do we do what we do?
Why do we think what we think?
Is there some deeper meaning to it all,
or are these simply patterns repeating themselves
and we do and think these things because that is what we do and think?

Why do we ask why?
How does this work, this feedback loop that allows awareness to be aware of awareness?

And if my body is constantly changing,
and the me I see is not the same me that I saw the day before
What is the pattern that keeps it all together..
Like the form of a whirlpool or the shape of a tree or a river.

Is it some mysterious morphic resonance?
or is it the future, pulling the present into shape
and does this pattern continue once this body has gone?

Perhaps we already know the answers
But haven't yet invented the words..

Kung Fu

2009-01-30T10:11:00.003+02:00

Kungfu.

Hard work over time to accomplish skill.

A painter can have Kungfu.
Or the butcher who cuts meat every day with such skill...his knife never touches bone.

Learn the form, but seek the formless.
Hear the soundless.
Learn it all, then forget it all.
Learn The Way, then find your own way.

The musician can have Kungfu.
Or the poet who paints pictures with words and makes emperors weep.
This, too, is Kungfu.

But do not name it, my friend, for it is like water.
Nothing is softer than water...yet it can overcome rock.
It does not fight.
It flows around the opponent.

Formless, nameles...the true master dwells within.
Only you can free him.

(from "The Forbidden Kingdom")

Waking up to the dream

2008-11-17T16:47:00.000+02:00

constantly looking out at the world
feeling alone in myself
and yet there are many voices
the conversations with the past and the future
sometimes i feel like the king of the world
and then sometimes that i don't exist
perhaps both are true
and that this dream is all a dream
and so slowly there is this awakening
not so much from the dream,
but to the realisation that we are the dreamer

In search of nothing

2008-11-12T09:47:00.002+02:00

Nothing..
No thing
Impossible to conceptualize
Because this very act is creation
Giving thingness to that which is not this or that.
Nothing..
No thing
That which contains the possibility of all things
Out of which all of this or that is born
Emptiness, Darkness
Pure raw potential out of which universes explode.
And this is not there or here or within or beyond..
Timelessness, Spacelessness, Thinglessness,
No thing nessss

The dance between form and emptiness

2008-09-04T09:57:00.000+02:00

The essence of rhythm is movement. If you stop and say 'this is it' you've lost it. There is no way that rhythm can be contained, no specific point in time in which it exists. It's a constant movement and it always exists in relation to what has gone before and where it is going.

Rhythm is like a river. It continuously flows. You can look at it and say "That is a river", but no part of the river can be said to be the river, and at no time is the river ever the same, other than in concept. It’s ‘is-ness’ exists in the mind alone.

This experience of life that seems to be a constant 'thing' is the same. It is a rhythm of energy, experience, information flowing and creating the form which is perceived as 'me' or 'you', but it is no different from a river, or a cloud, or a piece of music or the form of a whirlwind that exists, but at the same time has no inherent existence in and of itself.

It's all a dance..

Step by step

2008-07-20T19:16:00.002+02:00

I went walking with my family in the mountains today. On one of the uphills my daughter was getting a little tired. I tried to teach her one of the things I do when I'm walking uphill and start to feel tired. I make my steps shorter and get into a rhythm. That way I forget about the tiredness and my walking becomes a lot easier.
What she immediately tried to do was copy my steps, but her legs are a lot shorter. The thing is, I can teach her how to find a rhythm, I can teach her that this will make it easier, but she is the one who needed to find a rhythm that worked for her. My rhythm just wouldn't do.

Duality

2008-07-18T13:44:00.000+02:00

What makes the rhythm. Is it the sound, or is it the spaces in between?

Mystery

2008-07-08T20:21:00.005+02:00

Tao called Tao is not Tao (Tao Te Ching - Lao-Tzu)

Life is the flowing and living energy which cannot be frozen into concepts and formulas. Life cannot be understood, only lived. (beatnik)

Being, by it's very nature, can't be known, so words can only give us the direction in which to look. (pg 3: One - Essential writings of non-duality - Jerry Katz)

The reality of a human being is a mystery. There is no answer that can answer it, because it is not a question in the first place. It is a mystery to be lived, not a problem to be solved. (pg 96: Tantra - the way of acceptance - Osho)

We are all manifestations of a mystic power: the power of life, which has shaped all life, and which has shaped us all in our mother's womb. And this kind of wisdom lives in us, and it represents the force of this power, this energy, pouring into the field of time and space. But it's a transcendant energy. It's an energy that comes from a realm beyond our powers of knowledge. And that energy becomes bound in each one of us - in this body - to a certain commitment.
Now, the mind that thinks, the eyes that see, they can become so involved in concepts and local, temporal tasks that we become bound up and don't let this energy flow through. The energy is blocked, and we are thrown off balance ....... So the psychological problem, the way to keep from becoming blocked, is to make yourself - and here is the phrase - transparent to the transcendant. It's as easy as that. (Pathways to Bliss - Joseph Campbell)

Focused Intent - The Art of Magic

2008-07-07T14:23:00.000+02:00

There has been a drumming competition on lately called 'speed demon'. It seems to have the assumption that a very good drummer will be able to play very fast. But here's the question: is the mark of a good drummer how many strokes of the stick you can fit into a single beat, or is it how much of yourself you can put into a single stroke?

The Spaces in Between - the art of listening

2008-06-14T14:16:00.004+02:00

One of the things that amazes me is that, as humans, we are actually able to communicate at all. If I think of some of the meetings I have sat in, or discussions I've been part of, we aren't very good at listening.

This is one of the things that being a musician teaches you. To play with other musicians you need to listen, and the way to do that is to create space in the music. The temptation is to fill up the space with stuff, but it's the space that makes the rhythm. Without the spaces, you just have noise.

Now life is like that. If you think about it, there's a lot more space than there is stuff. The universe is full of spaces in between, and yet we think it's the stuff that's so important. Our lives are full of stuff, full of noise. There's the voice of what we think we should be doing, the voice of what we haven't done, the voice of the guy on the news telling us how it is, and then there's the evangelists for consumerism showing us the way to salvation in filling our lives with more and more stuff. We have this wierd fear of open space, unless of course we paid a whole lot for the open space and it belongs to us - added to all the other stuff we own.

And yet deep within us the rhythm is there. Our own hearts beat to the heartbeat of the Universe, just waiting for us to take the time to listen. Waiting for us to look beyond the illusion of all the stuff and find who we are. And so the sun rises and sets, and the moon follows her path in the sky, dancing with the sea. And the winds blow around us trying to get our attention. Telling us gently to awaken from this bad dream, inviting us to dance once again to the music of which we are made..

Paradiddles and Freedom - the art of learning

2008-06-12T16:38:00.001+02:00

When I used to teach drumming, I would find that while my students were really eager to learn to fly around the drum kit, they were a whole lot less enthusiastic about practicing paradiddles (RLRRLRLL - and so on). And yet it is by practicing these basic rudiments in different combinations that really frees you at a later stage to not have to think too much about what you're doing. Your body is in automatic and you can relax, and focus on making music instead of having to try and calculate where your hands are going to end up.

So - there are a number of practices that one can do, little things to put in place, that slowly teach you how to move from being consciously incompetent, to consciously competent to unconsciously competent - where you just move in automatic. And this is the place where, in a talk, I could come up with some really cheesy illustrations, like a house is built one brick at a time etc., but I'm sure you get the idea.

The thing I've found, though, is that you get to a point in life where you know this stuff. There are a number of things you've mastered and you're quite comfortable in how things are done. The same happens in drumming, you practice your rudiments, you do what you're supposed to and you get to a point where you can do what you need to do when you need to do it. But then slowly you discover than part of the fun of it was the challenge in learning. You're stuck in a rut. Life becomes habitual and so does your image of who you are.

The temptation at this point is to try and ignore that voice inside you that says you're not all you could be, that this isn't all there is. So you fill it with stuff, and entertainment, and noise...

Or you reinvent yourself - you try something new and you feel the thrill and humility of being a beginner again. And you're alive again! Hmm - but the problem with this is that if you keep at it you'll once again be at the place where you've mastered this new thing and so the cycle starts once again..

Perhaps there is the belief that there is this place called 'happiness', or 'stability', or 'success' and that if you work long enough at it, get and do the right things, you'll get there. But when you get there you realise that it's all empty.

So what's the point of doing it then?

One of the things that have been 'drummed' into us from an early age is that learning is about the destination. We study so that we pass our exams. We pass our exams so we can get a job. We do this and that, so that we can be a success.

But, the real key to it all is realising that the journey isn't about the destination, and drumming isn't about becoming a good drummer. The reason we learn, is because we can, and the reason we drum, is to connect with the rhythm that is already in us and has always been part of us. The reason we practice and try new things and push forward isn't just to get somewhere, but to discover who we already are. The journey and the destination are one and the same thing.

So perhaps the real art of learning is not so much about getting somewhere, or becoming something, but more like unwrapping a gift. Discovering what you've really had the potential to do, and to be all along...

Drumming and the meaning of life..

2008-06-11T16:19:00.001+02:00

I've been asked to run a drumming workshop at the end of the month and I was thinking about what I should do. I figured I could show off with a solo or something and then let everyone ask questions, or perhaps I could do something different. So I sat down and mindmapped the whole thing and came up with a plan..

As you may have noticed in this blog, I refer a lot to rhythm and how it is so much part of who we are, so the workshop is going to follow that theme. I decided to take 3 things that I've learnt from being a drummer - and how that relates to life, the meaning of the universe, and all that.

I will be doing a little bit of talking, and then I'm going to have drums available for everyone and we're all going to do some drumming - it's a workshop, not a talkshop. But, with regard to the talking bit, I thought I'd have a practice run here. So - in the next few days I'm going to be writing on the following:

1. Paradiddles and Freedom - the art of learning
2. The Spaces in Between - the art of listening
3. Focused Intent - the art of magic

To be continued...

The pieces of the puzzle

2008-04-03T20:59:00.007+02:00

I have just watched Anastasia with my daughters for the third time...

The story goes something like this:
A princess loses her family and, in the process, loses the memory of the first years of her life. Her restlessness ends up taking her on a journey with two people who are really in it for the money, but end up being angels (metaphorically speaking). Slowly, through a series of clues, she starts remembering things about herself, without actually noticing. At the end of the story all the pieces come together and she remembers who she really is. At this moment - when she was finally reunited with her grandmother - I, in a strange way, felt that I identified with her. There was something in me that resonated with the discovery of something long forgotten - a coming home to who we really are.

I have a suspician that there is this place, this longing, in everyone, as if the Universe has left us clues, breadcrumbs along the way, to show us the way home. We see this in fairy tales, in the songs we sing our children, in the myths of old and in our dreams.

So where is home and how do we get there? The answer lies concealed in each one of us. Sometimes it takes a journey to remote places in the world, or a life time of searching. Sometimes it catches us unaware when we see the mystery in the depths of a new-born baby's eyes, or when the wind calls our name at the top of a mountain and we somehow know that there's something that we know that we know, but just can't seem to figure out what it is...

swimming in nothingness

2008-04-01T15:24:00.001+02:00

diving into the unknown
trusting life and the experience of being alive
learning that death isn't the end, but a process of becoming
leaving behind the past and the future
moving to the music,
the rhythm of the Now
the heartbeat of the Universe
a dance of grace

the Universe expressing itself in the form of a human
realization of the illusion of seperation
embracing mystery
letting go, delighting in being and non-being
duality dissolving into nothingness and everything
wisdom, compassion and loving kindness
Bliss

On that which cannot be spoken about

2008-03-31T21:14:00.005+02:00

I have a stack of about 15 books next to my bed. All of them are in some or other state of being read. I think a lot of it is to try and find words to articulate some of the things I've experienced lately - to find a way of making sense of them so I can somehow communicate that which has had so much impact on my life. The other reason, I think, is to make sure that I don't forget. And then there's trying to put it all into perspective - where to now?

In the past two weeks, two books really stood out. The one is "Soulcraft" by Bill Plotkin - "crossing into the Mysteries of Nature and Psyche". In this book I came across the following:

True art has nothing to do with impressing or entertaining others with pleasant or stunning creations: it's about carrying what is hidden in the soul as a gift to others. However we embody our souls in the world, that is our art

So how do I embody my soul and what is hidden in it? I think I'm starting to find what that is - but how do I express it? Perhaps it's not about putting it in words, but rather communicating this by being who I am?

The other is one of those rare books that I simply could not put down. Through his honesty in retelling his journey I'm beginning to understand what it means to "carry what is hidden in the soul as a gift to others". This book is a gift. It's called "The Dance of the Four Winds" by Alberto Villoldo - "Secrets of the Inca Medicine Wheel":

...our rationalization of things ephemeral, our intellectual framing of the transcendent, the thinking brain's version of the Divine, was just another mask of God. That all expressions of God, like the word itself, formed in the brain of language, were merely thoughts about that which is beyond thought.
No. Before thought.
Before consciousness itself. To speak the name of God is to name the unnameable, to carry a concept of the Divine within our heads is to carry a shield between us and the experience of the Divine...... It cannot be thought about. All notions of God are blasphemies. Things that can be known but not told.

I'm starting to realise that much of the past few months has been a process of finally putting my theology to death. Letting go of what I think I know, the false security of belief, and stepping out into the wildness of experiencing the Divine. Moving in to the realm of that which cannot be told.

It's funny - when I started this blog I was hoping for an audience so that I could say some of the things I felt were important. Now as I write I feel that the real audience is the person who's typing all of this ;)

Why I cut my hair

2008-03-26T10:24:00.003+02:00

For around 16 years I've had long hair and a beard of some description. When I visited Vietnam the people there used to call me Jesu Christu. I've always identified myself as the guy with the long hair and the beard. I guess this was just me. I always felt it suited me and my beard took some of the attention away from my nose, but it was also a good place to hide.

I was on a weekend retreat of sorts a few weeks ago. One of the subjects we spoke about in the morning was on dying and how the Indian warriors used to say "today is a good day to die". I was walking outside afterwards and two of my very good friends called me over and said "today is a good day for a haircut". I of course came up with all the reasons in the world as to why it wasn't such a good idea. They suggested that it was the key to moving forward, and it was the only way I was going to change the way I see myself.

To be honest, I felt angry. What right did they have to pry into my life like that and challenge something that was so much part of who I was? I eventually just walked away and tried to avoid them. But something had been triggered in me and I knew they were right. My reaction to them was a voice I've come to know as my ego - holding on to all it can to survive. I knew it was time, and if I didn't go through with it I would stagnate as a person - stuck in the past and the image I had of myself.
I decided to phone my wife and checked with her how she felt. I could hear that she was unsure - like her husband was becoming a Buddhist monk or something, but as usual she stood by me. Once that was sorted I went to my friend and nervously told her she could cut my hair.

So - there I sat, at her mercy, while my head was shaved. Once it was finished I'm not sure what I felt - but I went down to the sea and washed all the loose hair off, baptising myself. Next was my beard - I wasn't too keen to get it shaved off with my hair, but it looked really silly with short hair so I shaved it off - with just my razor and no shaving cream.

It's now been about 3 weeks with short hair and it’s been very good. It took my daughters a while to get used to their 'new' dad, and my colleagues at work put up a missing poster on the front door. I was also a little nervous going overseas as my passport picture now looked nothing like me. Other than that, I feel a new freedom. Something inside has changed.

I had a look through some old photos and saw a picture of the old me with the 'Jesus' look. I realised with a bit of sadness that this person had died. He was a good guy - but like a caterpillar needs to die to its body in order to learn to fly - I needed to do the same. I’m also really grateful for some really good friends who cared about me enough to see what it was that I needed to do.

Reflections on good friday

2008-03-21T11:55:00.001+02:00

“The wind blows where it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the spirit.”

Today is Good Friday. In the Christian religion, this is supposed to be the day when Jesus died. Having come from this tradition and having spent a large part of my life studying theology and teaching about these things, I thought I'd reflect a bit on this.

The typical interpretation of this event is that Jesus died for the sins of the world, that he was the sin bearer, the sacrificial lamb. The usual evangelical Christian interpretation of this event is usually that people are 'sinners' and cannot access God because of this. God then sent his son, Jesus, to die in our place. Now in my early teens this meant a great deal to me, that I could no longer have to worry about whether I would go to 'heaven' or 'hell' when I died because this had now been sorted by 'the blood of the lamb'.

This started to bug me a bit, though, later on in life. Was it God that needed the sacrifice, or was it people that needed a scapegoat? I started thinking that perhaps it was the latter - that it wasn't so much that people needed someone to save them from an angry God, but that people needed ‘saving’ from their own guilt.

This would probably explain why Jesus was able to say to people that they were forgiven long before the crucifixion event. In fact, when you look at it, it was this that started to really piss off the religious people of his day – the fact that he went around telling people they were forgiven. His whole message seemed to be built around this – ‘The kingdom of of God is at hand’ – ie. ‘All the fullness of life is available to you, change the way you think about yourself and believe this good news!’
This has usually been translated “repent and believe the good news” and most often taken to mean “be sorry for your sins” – but I think “repent” is a very bad translation, because it implies penitence, whereas the Greek word ‘metanoia’ means to change your mind.

So – perhaps the message of Jesus was really all about freedom – that God (or The Universe, Life, the Source of all Being) doesn’t have anything against us – so go and live to the full! If there’s anything that you’ve done that you feel prevents you from experiencing this – then sort it out, make amends, but certainly don’t see it as God holding it against you. Be Free!

Now whenever I start talking like amongst religious people I get myself into trouble. If one looks at the life of Jesus - his biggest opposition wasn't 'the devil in the wilderness' but the religious people of the day. This is why they had no choice but to kill him – it was the only way they could nail him down because he didn’t fit into their religious box where they could control him through fear. You can’t control the wind!

So reflecting on today I need to remind myself that this man, Jesus, doesn’t need to be defined by the religion that named itself after him. I also come to the conclusion that I want to live just like he did – so full of life and love for others, and a passion for freeing people from the illusion and lie that we need this or that to be Good. Being born of the spirit of Life – I too want to be like the wind – free and blowing where I please, without religion or guilt weighing me down and preventing me from delighting in this dream we call our lives!

Talking to the trees..

2008-02-19T12:42:00.001+02:00

I was involved in some martial arts training in the outdoors recently. There was a young tree near to where I was standing and, without thinking about the feelings of this poor tree, I decided to practice my side thrust kick. Expecting to be able to break the tree without much effort I was amazed that my kick had no impact whatsoever. The tree simply bent over and then sprang right back to where it was before. So I tried again, and again, and the same thing happened. Being rooted firmly into the earth, but at the same time offering no resistance to the force applied to it, the tree was able to carry on living happily while I was wasting my energy trying to kick the thing.

I learnt a lot from this little tree. The first lesson is that kicking trees is generally not such a good idea. Perhaps I was fortunate that this particular tree didn't retaliate.
The other, more important, lesson was this:
Life is full of movement and change- full of stuff that happens that doesn't quite fit into what we think we need to make us happy. We can mutter and complain and resist the inevitable change, either with it breaking us, or generally making us miserable. Or, like the tree, being grounded in the earth and the knowledge that this is how life is, we can be flexible and move with it. Then life becomes less of a struggle for existence and more of a dance..

On Knowledge

2008-02-07T13:48:00.000+02:00

One of the startling discoveries I have made recently is that I seem to know where I need to get to and where I'm going in life. Or perhaps I should say I have a sense of knowing. On one hand the past few years have seemed quite isolated (spiritually speaking) as well as being a random collection of various 'experiments' with different ways of thinking, philosophies, religions etc.
Looking back, though, I see a definite pattern. A journey that has been going in the right direction all along, somehow intuitively guided by a force I have come to know as being my Soul. I'm not saying that I'm perfect or have it all together. It's more of a realisation that there has been more happening than I was previously able to see.

I am busy reading Joan Halifax's stunning book "The Fruitful Darkness". In it she makes the following quote by Thich Nhat Hanh:
"Our own life is the instrument with which we experiment with truth"
She then goes on to say:
"the information and inspiration in this book are rooted in my life. This is inevitable, for neither Bhuddism nor shamanism are 'revealed' teachings. Both emphasize direct experience and personal realization over doctrine"

Coming out of a religion of 'revealed' teachings, it's taken a while for me to get my bearings. I guess one could say I've been waiting for the next 'revealed' teaching to come along. Searching in what seemed to be the dark, though, I have somehow found my own way.

I've often reflected on the fact that we know more than we know we know (and it sounds really cool to say that). If I cut myself, I know how to heal myself. Perhaps not intellectually, but I do have that knowlege. I'm starting to think it's the same with spirituality. When we move beyond the illusions of intellectual knowlege and the belief that we are somehow superior in our knowlege to the deep and wild knowlege of the Earth, we start to see ourselves for who we really are - part of Nature and connected in an intimate way to this Ancient Knowlege.

Finding my own rhythm

2008-02-05T11:47:00.000+02:00

I must create a system or be enslaved by another man's;
I will not reason and compare: my business is to create (William Blake)

I remember around 20 years ago telling my drum teacher that someone had said that they could tell that he was my teacher. I remember his reply was that if anyone ever said I sounded like him I should take it as an insult - I needed to sound like me. At the time one of my biggest goals was to be able to play like him, so I didn't quite get it, but it obviously stuck because I remember it. I remember one of my students a few years later saying a similar thing - that someone recognised my style in him. I have to be honest and say that it was a bit of an ego boost - but I remembered what I was taught and passed on the wisdom.

A few years ago a famous percussionist was in South Africa. He gave a workshop on drumming and percussion that I was fortunate enough to attend. One of the comments he made really stood out for me. He said something to the tune of a drum being your instrument, and you need have the freedom to express yourself through it. If that means hitting it on the side or the rim to get the sound you want, then you need to have the freedom to do just that.

And so it is in life. For a time we follow a system handed to us by others, but we're eventually faced with a choice as to whether we continue following that system, or whether we take the journey of the Soul and create our own system, finding our own rhythm and the means of expressing that.

All a dream

2008-01-02T14:26:00.000+02:00

I went for a walk earlier on today. I often do that during the day to give my mind a chance to breath. I find that I can sit in front of my pc for a certain length of time and be quite productive, but then my mind gets tired - or bored. When I find myself staring at the screen - present in body, but my mind is somewhere else, I know it's time to get up and take a walk around outside.

I usually go the same route - just around the block. While I'm walking I try and focus on the moment, NOW - the only moment there is. Today I found myself feeling like I'd done this all before. Well I had obviously done this all before - many times. Life is full of repetition - driving to work, saying hello to everyone, sitting down at the same place, answering the same questions, going for the same walk. It's like repeating the same dream every night where we know what's going to happen. In fact - it felt like just that - a dream.

So I walked back to the building and as I approached it I knew exactly what I would find - that the secretary would look up and say hello, that the tea lady would be sitting in the kitchen reading a newspaper, and all of my colleagues would have their noses to their screens. Perhaps someone would be talking in the corner. And that is how it was.

To my friends

2007-12-31T17:39:00.001+02:00

This has been a very good year. It's been a year of really discovering myself - letting go of the past, and in a way, letting go of the future - embracing the Now - the only moment there is.
I have read some really interesting and challenging books that have stretched me and made me think, but the thing that stands out to me this year is a group of really good friends. My wife, my family, and a group of people that I have connected with over the year who have given me the grace to be myself. People who have asked me questions, who have challenged me, who have just listened. Friends who have pushed me beyond myself and have let me share their lives. To all of you that I have spent time with this year, in person or in cyberspace - I want to say a really deep thankyou!

Do you believe in magic?

2007-12-23T23:38:00.000+02:00

Magic has been a part of my life since I was a kid. I remember watching David Copperfield on television and really believing in what he did. It was never about how he did it. It was about the experience of mystery. In a sense he gave me hope that there was more to life than the mundane. I must have been around 10 years old if I remember correctly. Now I'm 26 years older and I still seek out that experience of mystery. I enjoy watching people's faces as I perform and get a glimpse of that feeling - the shock to your system when you see the impossible.

So it's all an illusion? Perhaps, but a good performance usually points to something deeper. The illusions, or whatever you would like to call them, are just tools that allow real magic to happen. Real magic changes people. Real magic is about being able to see with different eyes, into a realm that is always there, but is easily forgotten. What we call 'reality' is the real illusion..

Think about this time of year, when we all spend money we don't have to get stuff we don't really need, singing songs we don't really understand. In the case of where I live, we sing about sleigh-bells in the snow in the middle of summer.
But behind all of that, the moon still shines and the world still turns. The trees still breath and nature is still and Present, while we try and find parking in a crazy shopping mall.

I have searched all my life to find real magic - to be able to connect with that constantly ellusive mystery. I'm starting to realise that it can be found by learning to be, that it's to be found by not listening to all the noise, but to tune in to the heartbeat and the rhythm of the Universe. To discover that I'm not other, but I am - connected and part of all that I percieve as around me.
The illusion is to see all of that as the mundane - when it is the real magic - and the very meaning of life.

Book knowlege vs. really knowing

2007-12-15T15:52:00.000+02:00

I have a rather large collection of books. I love reading. I'm constantly on the lookout for that one book that will say all I need to know, the book that will resonate with me and give me the answers I need. Of course I know that such a book doesn't exist, although someof the books I've read come close.

Books are miraculous. The ability for me to connect with the thoughts, beliefs and experiences of someone else by picking up a book never ceases to amaze me. But...that's the thing. Reading a book is always about someone else's life, experience, belief or view of the world. While connecting with that is important, it can never replace the act of living life and experiencing it for yourself.

I recently experienced something that I had read about for over a year. It was an experience that I had heard about from a few people and so a whole lot of research on the subject - so much so, that I felt i really didn't need to experience it because I already knew so much about it. I was wrong. I was very wrong. Nothing I read could have prepared me for what I experienced. Everything I had read really only scratched the surface. In fact, much of what I had read only made sense once I had experienced it for myself. This has been an important lesson. Books can only really be signposts, pointing one to an experience of living. They can never be the experience itself.

This past week I went camping with my family. Whenever we go away I usually take a few books with. This time I took a notebook and pen. I decided it was more important to record my experience than to read about others'. I never wrote much. I was too busy having long chats with my wife, playing with my kids, and having a really great time. I did, however, write the introduction to a book I would like to write. Perhaps this will be the book that I've been looking for :)

Time and Rhythm

2007-12-05T21:27:00.000+02:00

What is time? We wake up at a certain time in the morning, we get dressed, go to work and need to be there at a certain time. We're expected to put in a certain amount of hours to get paid our salary. We get given a certain amount of time to rest, to eat and for some of us time is directly proportional to money. I can't help thinking that we are slaves to this thing called time, this clock that we have created to keep the machine moving.

The problem with time is that it is uniform and it is one measure applied to all people. Nature doesn't have time. Nature has rhythm. There is a difference. Nature is full of rhythm, different rhythms that move in and out of one another. The moon revolves around the earth, the earth around the sun. The tide comes in and it goes out. It's predictable, but not slave to one beat, second after second, minute after minute.

As human beings we try to live outside of nature. We have our houses that protect us from the wind and rain. We have shoes on our feet that protect our feet from the earth. When we sit down we very rarely sit in the sand or on the grass. We nearly always put something between us and the earth.

But our rhythm betrays us. The rhythm we naturally experience reminds us that we are children of the earth. Our heart doesn't beat in time with the clock that we have created. Our breath has it's own rhythm - and responds to our needs, which also vary according to the rhythm of our body.

Sometimes we can be so caught up in the ticking of the clock and the mechanisation of our daily lives that we forget how to see and feel who we really are. We think that our day-to-day life by the clock is real, but it is just an illusion, something we created to help us, but by which we are now enslaved.

Perhaps part of letting go is letting go of time, and finding the rhythm of the earth once again. Dying to that which is already dead and opening our eyes to who we really are.

Letting Go

2007-12-04T09:07:00.000+02:00

A big part of drumming 'in the groove' is about letting go. If you try and control the rhythm you slip out of it or the rhythm never seems to have the same life that it has when you let go and allow the rhythm be what it is. Then it has a life of its own.
Humans beings are not very good at letting go. Life is full of things we want to cling to. They may be good experiences that we wish would last forever, or friendships and relationships that we fear will disappear if we let go. So we try to own and control these things. When we do that we restrict them from being driven by the rhythm of life as we try to make them conform to what we imagine them to be.

But it's not only the good experiences we cling to. How many times do we make a mistake, or do something we think is stupid and play it over and over in our heads, trying to re-live it so that somehow we can fix it, but then we find that we can't go back in time and fix it. So we need to learn to let go of these things.

And then there are the things that get done to us. Things that hurt or injure us affect how we see ourselves. And so we hold on to this image of who we are and build a shield around that part of us so that we can't be hurt again. These things are very hard to let go and sometimes you need someone to help you to do that.

What prevents us from letting go? Perhaps it's because we're afraid that if we let go of all these things then nothing will be left behind. It's a fear of losing ourselves - the fear of dying. But as we learn to let go we slowly discover that we haven't lost ourselves. Without all the illusions we cling on to, we find who we really are.

"Whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life will find it. "

Buried Treasure

2007-11-28T22:04:00.001+02:00

I've been thinking a lot about the Treasure in "The Alchemist". I do think it's about the journey, but it's also about the treasure. It's about the fact that the treasure has been there all along - in a place you are so familiar with.
The treasure for me has been about finding myself. Everything I was looking for has been here all the time. The journey has been about searching for that Treasure, buried beneath all of the layers of how I've seen myself. And I guess that's the process of Alchemy - purification, not so much in the sense of seperating good from bad, but taking away the illusion until all that is left is Gold. Going deeper and deeper until you find the whole Universe inside. This is eternal life!

The Heroe's Journey

2007-11-27T09:03:00.001+02:00

The following quote by Joseph Campbell is quite easy to find on the net, but I've recently a really profound experience that made it really come alive for me. So I thought I'd share it and save you the trouble looking for it ;)

We have not even to risk the adventure alone, for the heroes of all time have gone before us - the labyrinth is thoroughly known. We have only to follow the thread of the hero path, and where we had thought to find an abomination, we shall find a god; where we had thought to slay another, we shall slay ourselves; where we had thought to travel outward, we shall come to the center of our own existence. And where we had thought to be alone, we shall be with all the world.
(Joseph Campbell. The Hero With a Thousand Faces)

Breathing

2007-11-26T08:58:00.001+02:00

As human beings we feel the need to cling to every good thing that comes our way. We cling to things, to money, to experiences. We feel we need to possess all that is good because we fear that if we don't we will be left empty. But when we hold on to something good we find it doesn't do what we expect it to do - to fill that hole, to make us whole again, and so we are disappointed and collect more stuff. We eat more food, we drink more wine and collect more and more things. And we worry that we don't have enough and no matter how much we collect, it's never enough.

But when we breath, we don't hold on to the breath. We breath in, the breath does it's work, and we let it go again. And yet there's another breath, and another. When we let go the universe provides what we need. Everything in the universe is constantly moving and changing, as if the whole universe is breathing in and breathing out. Connecting with that rhythm is one of the hardest things to do, because it means dying - letting go of everything, letting go even of that which we call "me". And as each layer is stripped away we discover that we haven't lost anything at all, but we find who we really are. And we discover that the universe hasn't got it in for us and that we aren't so seperate and alien afterall.

So breath in, breath out and find the rhythm of the breath and let it permeate you life. Take what you need and then let go again.

The meaning of Myth

2007-11-23T21:35:00.000+02:00

I found the following quote a few years ago. It's probably this quote that started me thinking a bit differently about the word "myth". This led to the study of Jung and the concept of symbols and archetypes, Joseph Campbell's awesome understanding of myth and a few other things. It comes from a book I bought for R5 at a second hand theological bookstore. The title is "The Primal Vision". by John V. Taylor. It's a stunning book and in a chapter on "The Language of Myth" he quotes someone by the name of Nicolas Berdyaev:

Myth is a reality immeasurably greater than concept. It is high time that we stopped identifying myth with invention, with the illusions of primitive mentality, and with anything, in fact, which is essentially opposed to reality... The creation of myths among peoples denotes a real spiritual life, more real indeed than that of abstract concepts and rational thought.
Myth is always concrete and expresses life better than abstract thought can do; its nature is bound up with that of symbol. Myth is the concrete recital of events and original phenomena of the spiritual life symbolized in the natural world, which has engraved itself on the language memory and creative energy of the people...; it brings two worlds together symbolically. (Nicolas Berdyaev, Freedom and Spirit)

The Journey

2007-11-22T15:40:00.000+02:00

Paulo Coelho's book "The Alchemist" has to be one of my favourite books. I was chatting with some intersting people this morning and the book came up. As we were talking one of the people mentioned that the treasure at the end of the book is a bit disappointing. I thought about that for a while and to be honest, I couldn't really remember what the treasure was, but I remembered, in detail, the rest of the story. I guess the treasure at the end wasn't as important to me as the journey itself. While the treasure seemed to be the driving force behind the journey, the book without the journey would have been, well, pointless. And maybe that's the point. It's not so much the destination that's important, but the journey we take to get there.

Polyrythms and Ideas

2007-11-21T10:18:00.000+02:00

One of the things you need to learn as a drummer is to play different things with each of your limbs. This is known as independance. I can play one pattern on the kick drum, another of the hi-hat or ride, another on the snare, and perhaps my left foot is playing another pattern with the hi-hat foot pedal. To someone starting out, this is usually quite difficult and you often find one limb trying to follow the other. A little way down the line this becomes quite easy and natural, and it's one of the things that can make a great rhythm.
The next challenge is polyrhythms. This is similar to what I've just spoken about except your playing two or more rhythms at the same time. For instance, you may be counting 1-2-3 on the base drum, but at the same you'll play 1-2-3-4 on the ride cymbal - on top of the first rhythm, or even 5 and 4 and so on. Played correctly, you get a really interesting and sometimes hypnotic rhythm.

What does this have to do with my point of view?
Well, some people act as if there is only one way of thinking. They acknowlege that there are other ways of looking at things, but they feel their way is perhaps better than other ways of looking at things. This is usually quite evident in a debate between science and religion, or in understanding concepts like energy, spirit, soul etc.
But, is it not possible to have different points of view at the same time - views that seem to contradict each other?
I have found that it can be quite helpful to entertain that possibility, and quite often there is something else that emerges when you do that. Something emerges that, I find, is more true to me and my experience of life.
I think that it goes back to the concept that theories and ideas can never fully map out the true experience of living. Real life is messy and there are always grey areas - areas of mystery that no theory will ever quite cover. Holding two conflicting ideas at the same time can push you into exploring these grey areas with more honesty.

Truth is often found in the balance between two opposites.

talking about God

2007-11-20T16:00:00.000+02:00

How do I experience God? God is like the air all around me and in me. I breath it in and breath it out. Without it I would die. I know it is there, but it's only when I'm really still, or desperate for breath, that I seem to notice it at all.

We want to think about God. God is a thought; God is an idea. But its reference is to something that transcends all thinking. He's beyond Being, He’s beyond the category of being and non-being. Every religion is true in this sense: it is true as metaphorical of the human and cosmic mystery. He who thinks he knows doesn’t know. He who knows that he doesn’t know, knows.
(Joseph Campbell - The Power of Myth)

Honesty and spirituality

2007-11-19T21:27:00.000+02:00

I love bookshops. The way a book is able to speak in silence gives me a sense of peace. And that moment of opening a new book, connecting with someone else's mind for me is real magic. The fact that I can write these words and somehow convey to you my thoughts is nothing less than miraculous, something we take so for granted.

But it's also possible to hide behind these words. If I'm careful and clever I can make it sound as if I have all the answers. Well perhaps I can't, but many of the authors I read get it right. I read these books and I must admit that I feel quite small. I can never seem to 'get it right' in those 10 steps that the author guarantees. Maybe it's because some books belong to the world of ideas and ideals, where the raw reality of living seems quite distant.

Every now and again I find a book where the author has dared to let me in on their real life. One of the chapters I read last night was honest enought to speak about the dark side that exists in all of us. Another book I'm reading is about sex and deals with stuff that most of us think, but would rather not admit.

Sometimes I ask myself if I hide behind all the books that are stacked beside my bed, as if by reading them I can escape for a while. Escape from what? I think it's the escape from being alone with myself, or the fear that I am nothing extraordinary..

And I think that perhaps this is why the spritual path is often one of stillness - because in stillness I need to be honest and face my doubts, my fears and my demons. I say 'my' because they are part of who I am. And strangely enough, by embracing these things , I find stillness and peace and relax into the knowlege that I am here and I am living, and I share this life and these feelings with other real human beings - and I don't feel so alone with myself anymore.

The difficulty of communicating experience

2007-11-18T22:14:00.000+02:00

I have been tempted to delete the last two posts in this blog because when I read them, they just seem so inarticulate and don't really get across what I've been trying to say. I realise now, though, that this is the whole point. It's a paradox to be writing about how experience is beyond words, when the very thing I'm trying to do is to put into words my experience. Perhaps It's better for me to leave the last two posts and call them poetic licence or something, because they are, in effect, communicating the point I was trying to make.

It's interesting how the Universe speaks to us...
I was thinking about this topic and how to communicate it and I happened to pick up a book I am reading. It's by Joseph Campbell, called "Myths to live by". The chapter I was busy with was on Zen. It just seem to jump out of the page as if the author had been reading my mind. This is what it had to say:

"..it is actually impossible to communicate through speech any experience whatsoever, unless to someone who has himself enjoyed an equivalent experience of his own..

..Life defined is bound to the past, no longer pouring forward into the future......anyone continually knitting his life into contexts of intention, import, and clarifications of meaning will in the end find that he has lost the sense of experiencing life..

..(Zen) holds to the realization that life and the sense of life are antecedent to meaning; the idea being to let life come and not name it. It will then push you right back to where you live - where you are, and not where you are named. "

Spirituality from the ground up

2007-11-15T10:07:00.000+02:00

In my last post I spoke about words and ideas and how they point to the experience of life, rather than being the thing itself. I hope to expand on that, but I would like to first try and explain the way I approach these things.

Wearing different hats

Edward de Bono has a book entitled "Six Thinking Hats". The idea is that you put a different thinking hat on, and approach things in different ways. I find it really helpful not to commit myself to looking at things only one way, but try a number of approaches - looking at the same thing or subject matter from different angles. We can be so dogmatic about some things, and often all it takes is to look at it from a different angle and then we see it differently.

The thing to learn is that we don't need to commit ourselves to viewing things one way. For instance, in my last post I argued against a sort of platonic way of approaching various subjects. That doesn't mean that I need to identify myself with that argument, it is simply another way of looking at things that allows me to see the bigger picture better. It also gives me more freedom in writing my thoughts. I don't need to hold myself only to that which I've written and I have the freedom to contradict myself.

Starting with experience

Much of what we call 'beliefs' has a top down approach. What I mean by this is that we're taught something, or read something about God, or about life and we start with that idea. Ideas like fate, destiny, reincarnation, heaven, hell, spirit, angels, ghosts, demons, etc.
We then assimilate that idea into our belief system, and then, when challenged, we argue for its existence. We possibly then see that what we understood the idea to mean doesn't fit into our experience of living and so we reject the idea.

I came to a point in my life where I wasn't sure if I really believed all the stuff I claimed to believe. So, I made the decision to start from scratch and get rid of all my ideas and look at what I experience in life without being influenced by what I'm supposed to believe. (Now I know this is practically impossible - we always carry some beliefs with us, but I find that the exercise is very useful).
What I discovered doing this, was that there are experiences that do fit into some of the ideas and beliefs that I once held, but that the words used to describe the experience was never quite enough. It's the same as if we had to try and explain experiences like bungee jumping or making love to someone who hadn't had the experience. Words never fully capture the experience. To fully understand it, you need to experience it.

So - to summarize:

Spirituality, for me, is about living - experiencing life, and then finding ways to share that with others, as well as trying to understand what it is that others experience.

In the next few weeks I would like to look at a few of the things that didn't initially make sense to me from an idea point of view, but when I looked at them from an experience point of view I was able to make space for them in my mind.

Please feel free to comment ;)

Fate, destiny and the journey of life

2007-11-13T22:08:00.000+02:00

Some words seem so final. Words like fate, words like destiny. And so we are often left with a decision as to whether we believe in these words, to believe in fate or destiny.

Most people I speak to like the idea of having free choice and so choose to reject the concept of fate or destiny. Perhaps it would be a good idea to define what we mean by the terms, but I don't think that solves the problem. The problem I'm talking about is the fact that we have words like fate, destiny, spirit, God or any of those words which it has become almost fashionable not to believe in. Where do they come from? Do we need to treat them as if the word itself contained an idea, and that idea was some kind of law, or reality that one can accept or reject?

Perhaps another way to look it is that words are signposts, pointing to what we experience in life. Sometimes it seems as if my life is being directed by an outside force. The word I could use to describe that experience could be the word 'fate'. Or sometimes it seems like everything fits together, so many meaningful coincidences it's like there's some providential hand guiding me and helping me along. Have you ever had the experience of doing something and your whole being resonates with what you're doing and you know intuitively that this is what you were made for - this is your destiny? And so once again a word fulfils the need for expression, the need to communicate the journey to others.

Some say that the realm of words and ideas is the true reality in that it is more perfect than the day-to-day, messy business of living. They say that the material world is the shadow of this archetypal realm. But I think that it's the words we use that are imperfect. The fact that we can communicate at all is miraculous in itself, but it is still only an imperfect representation of the journey of life, the experience of living.

The problem with religion is that it relies on words and ideas first, instead of recognising the context that formed the words and ideas, and so the words and ideas become law, seperated from the life that they were supposed to reflect.

I am, however, grateful for words, no matter how limiting they can sometimes be, because it is through words and ideas that I can communicate my journey, and connect with and learn from others, even if they lived two thousand years ago.

The lesson of the coin

2007-11-12T13:38:00.000+02:00

A magician plays with a coin in his hand. It rolls over his fingers, and then flies into the air. He catches it again and holds it up to your eyes. As your eyes focus, you realise that there is no coin. And yet you are so sure that the coin was there only a second ago, and he smiles and says that there was no coin, it was only in your mind. And you wonder if he meant that there never was any coin at all, or if he's only talking about the coin that you thought he held before your eyes. But it doesn't matter, since you suddenly realise that reality isn't all it's made out to be, and that the reason things are as they are is because you see them that way....

My favourite times of day

2007-11-09T16:58:00.000+02:00

Dawn and dusk are my favourite parts of the day. Just before the sun goes to sleep, or as the world is about to wake up. Whenever I've gone for a walk early in the morning, there is something about the freshness of the new day that makes me feel alone, but not a lonely kind of alone, but a peaceful aloneness. The air is fresh and loaded with potential and I feel alert and awake and aware that I'm part of something much bigger than myself, that I'm connected to this world that is waking up. I know that in an hour or two the world will be full of chaos again, the noise of traffic with everyone hypnotically following the beat of business. But for a while I'm at the place where the world was created and everything is new.

Dusk is my other favourite. That time between night and day, darkness and light and I feel like I can stretch out and touch another realm, the place where magic is alive. Between waking and dreaming, concious and unconcious, between matter and spirit, that which is thought to be real and that which is imagined. This is when I like to sit in my garden and half close my eyes, but not all the way. And as my eyes adjust I see the energy that is given off by the plants and trees, and I look down at my hands and I too am surrounded in moving waves of energy. Of course there's the skeptic in me saying that this is only because I'm squinting my eyes slightly, and it's probably true, but I choose to ignore it and enjoy the experience, and my imagination and the real world dance together.

The meaning of - well anything really..

2007-11-08T15:59:00.000+02:00

I often hear people saying "it's just psychological" or "but that can be explained", almost as if something can be explained then it no longer has any deeper meaning.

Things have different meanings depending on your attachment to them. To a logger, a forest is there to be cut down, the wood is there to make money. To an inhabitant of that forest, it is home. To a builder, a house is brick and cement; to an architect it's a design and to the people living there, a shelter and a home - full of memories and meaning.

An email between two people is, on one hand, 'just' data. To the people communicating, however, it is something rich with meaning - these electronic impulses that move at the speed of light have meaning. What I'm writing will be stored as "just data" somewhere. I have no idea where, but as you read it, it comes to life. Perhaps it will mean something different to you than it does to me, and even if no-one reads it, it is meaningful for me to write - to try and put in words some of the things inside my head.

So - the next time you hear someone say "it's just... whatever" - perhaps think about the idea that meaning goes beyond just one way of looking at something.

Aeroplane food and the meaning of life..

2007-11-01T20:45:00.000+02:00

Last night my wife and I were having a great conversation and it somehow went on to the topic of space travel. I mentioned something about the fact that one day we won't need to go to space, we would probably be able to buy the experience. Ok I'm all into sci-fi and everything, but it goes beyond that. Since all of our experience of things like is as a result of sensory input, I don't see why we won't get to a level of virtual reality one day where we actually experience these things - touch, see, smell etc. - without actually going there. Her reply was that it would never be the same because we would make it too perfect and that part of travel is the uncomfortability - if that's a word. The smell of an aeroplane cabin, having to wait for your luggage etc.
I realised that what she was saying is so true of life. While we long for the ideal - that perfect thing that will make us happy, it will always be incomplete without us being able to appreciate the mundane. The meaning of life is all about living - every experience - good and bad.

So - this morning I was up early to go of to JHB. After a good meeting in the land of thunderstorms I was dropped off at the airport again. When I reached into my briefcase I realised my wallet was gone. Now everything that I needed was in my wallet - my ID to be able to catch the flight, my credit card to buy lunch, the ticket for parkade so I could bail my car out.. you get the picture. Fortunately it was left in the car and will be returned to me tomorrow - but I was still stuck with having to get home somehow. So I decided to just go with it. I managed to convince them that it was me so they let me on the plane. Perhaps it's my honest face, or that I'm skilled in the art of Jedi mind tricks (I wish) - but I got the boarding pass. The next thing I found out is that the ticket wasn't on the el-cheapo-buy-your-own-food-airline but with another airline who actually gives you food onboard - so I didn't need to buy lunch. And when I arrived back in CPT the guys at the parkade let me out - with no charge. Now I'd been there the whole day - so that should've cost me around R100 - but they let me out for free. So - losing my wallet saved me around R200 - since I didn't buy lunch either. I find it really cool that when you go with the rhythm of life instead of fighting against it how these things seem to often just work out :)

Jamming in the groove

2007-10-31T11:30:00.000+02:00

There's a place in rhythm called 'the groove'. In the groove you no longer have to think about what you do - it just happens, like your body is overtaken by the rhythm and you move with it - the drummer and the rhythm become one, the dancer becomes the dance and the dance lives through the dancer. In the groove there is no past or future, it's only the moment, the NOW, and you're fully awake and dreaming all at the same time. At the core of your being is a sense of joy and peace and the knowlege that this is right and your mind is clear of all of the things that usually weigh you down.

In the groove you're totally committed - like the adrenaline rush of running down a mountain where you know that if you make one mistake you'll be seriously injured, but at the same time you inuitively know that the secret isn't to hold back because of fear - you need to give your all and let go. Hold back and the groove disappears as if you've awoken from a beautiful dream and you try and go back to sleep to re-enter the dream, but the moment is gone.

Spaces

2007-10-26T13:39:00.000+02:00

Rhythm always has spaces. A drummer who plays without any spaces will struggle to find the rhythm. Without spaces there is no rhythm, just noise.

Life has spaces. The space between when I'm at home and when I'm at work, when I'm with my family and when I'm not. There are also spaces in between the highs and the lows, between the happiness and sorrow. Spaces between being busy and waiting, between being on top of the world, and the effort of climbing to get there.
Without spaces there wouldn't be rhythm.

Relationships need spaces too. Too much crowding messes up the rhythm. "But let there be spaces in your togetherness and let the winds of the heavens dance between you...” (The Prophet - Kahlil Gibran )

Sometimes we forget about the rhythm. The rhythm that connects us to all around us, the breathing in and breathing out of the universe. So caught up in the noise of life that we forget we need the space to find our rhythm again.

Rhythm

2007-10-26T08:49:00.000+02:00

Night - day, sleeping - waking, breathing in and breathing out, the beating of the heart and the spaces in between, going out, and coming back home. Constantly repeating - everything that has life has rhythm.

Breaking the rules

2007-10-22T11:04:00.000+02:00

"But why?"- and the typical answer - "Because I said so!"
Children can be frustrating - like explaining to your 4yr old that she can't wear ballet leotard to school - it's just not practical. It's actually refreshing, though - now that I think about it removed from the war of trying to get kids to school on time. Children don't always think or behave like they're supposed to. They seem to know what it is to fully experience being alive. As we get older we learn to conform, to think in certain ways, to behave 'correctly'. Sometimes we're so busy doing the right thing that we forget how to really live.

I watched "As it is in heaven" Last night. This is a translation of Gabriella's song I found here:

It is now that my life is mine
I’ve got this short time on earth
And my longing has brought me here
All I lacked and all I gained
And yet it’s the way that I chose
My trust was far beyond words
That has shown me a little bit
Of the heaven I’ve never found
I want to feel I’m alive

All my living days I will live as I desire
I want to feel I’m alive
Knowing I was good enough
I have never lost who I was I have only left it sleeping
Maybe I never had a choice
Just the will to stay alive

All I want is to be happy
Being who I am
To be strong and to be free
To see day arise from night
I am here and my life is only mine
And the heaven I thought was there
I’ll discover it here somewhere

I want to feel that I’ve lived my life

That reminds me of something Joseph Campbell said:

I don't believe people are looking for the meaning of life as much as they are looking for the experience of being alive..

The red balloon

2007-10-17T21:26:00.002+02:00

My kids fascinate me..
We went to the local Spur tonight. Michelle, my wife, is away at the Kruger National Park and I'm looking after the kids. Seeing as I really suck at cooking I took them out. In the course of the evening my 4 year old, Isabelle, was introduced to a red ballon. In no time at all she formed this realtionship with it and it bacame part of who she was - well that's how it seemd - especially when it blew away in the parking lot an hour later...

Now I've done the heroic running after the balloon thing before, but the wind was just too wild tonight and I just knew i'd end up looking like an idiot chasing after the air - because that's really what a balloon is.
"It's a just piece of rubber stretched around air", I told her - but she didn't buy that. So I tried the whole " now your balloon is free to fly - blah blah". She let me know in no uncertain terms that this really wasn't going to do it for her. Ok, how about something a little less logical - "your balloon is free and you're four". 3 and 4 for those of you who don't get it - although she did. She sort of laughed so I thought I was on to something. "And Jess has one too - so we have one two free four". ..Damn - when will I learn to quite while I'm ahead? I've just reminded her that Jess has one and she doesn't and that's all it takes to turn on the taps again.
So we're stuck with a crying kid until we get home where Jess (the little angel) says Belle can have her balloon and at last - the crying stops.

So - what's the moral of the story? Well there really isn't one - but I'm so glad that we grow out of these things, and that grown ups don't make such a fuss about running after a sort-of-round ball-like object filled with air...

More thoughts on belief

2007-10-15T11:10:00.000+02:00

It's interesting that when I use the word 'belief', my immediate thought is about religious beliefs. While the whole idea of imagining I believe something different applies to religion, it also applies to other kinds of beliefs, for instance, what I believe about myself and what I believe I am able to do. I may believe that I'll never be a good writer. Now this may or may not be true, but unless I overcome that belief, I'll never know. So - how do I change that belief? One of the ways is to imagine that I can and then do what a good writer would do - namely write.
(This is one of the reasons I started doing this blogging thing)

Now there will always be some smart ass saying that if I pretend to believe I can fly and jump off a building - well you know how it goes.. hmm, but then again I will be in the air for the rest of my life..

Jokes aside, there are many beliefs I know I have that prevent me from 'reaching my full potential' (I hate that cliche, but i can't think of anything else right now). There are many patterns that have developed over the years, things that people that I respected have said, and the results that seem to prove these beliefs. While what I believe will most of the time be true for me, it doesn't mean it needs to be true. I can change.

That, by the way, is the lesson that bending a fork teaches me. Some things seem solid and unchangable. But if you look at it differently, they can be quite malleable and can quite easily change shape...

May the fork be with you ;)

Some thoughts on faith and belief

2007-10-14T09:55:00.000+02:00

Belief is something that is arrived at - not something that is 'confessed' or ascribed to.That's been a statement I've held to for the last few years and it has, in many ways, been the filter through which I've viewed my sprituality.

For instance, I believe the chair I'm sitting in will hold me, most of the time, and so my actions display that. I can sit down without really trying to think about whether it will or not. It could be said that I have faith in this chair.

I have tried to approach much of my thinking from the ground up, ie. focusing on what I experience as a human being and trying to make sense of it, rather than some or other belief system that is taught or revealed through a book. This has been a process of trying to be really honest with myself - do I really believe what I believe?

But - what then of 'blind' faith? If I only base my spirituality on what I experience, I limit myself to only that which I experience and see. How could it be possible to experience other realities if my beliefs are only defined by my present reality?

So - sometimes I play games - and imagine I'm living in a world where certain things are true. I guess you could call it a spritual excercise. Just like an actor would live themselves into a role, I try and play out certain belief systems. Take them on and wear them for a while - and see how they fit into my experience of life.Belief then could be about pretending - 'living as if'.

Hmm - isn't that what ritual is all about, or statements of faith - not quite believing, but living like you do, and if the belief is true then it will perhaps resonate and become real belief - something you arrive at?

"I believe, but please help my unbelief..."

The great Oracle of the Internet

2007-10-10T10:56:00.000+02:00

Here's a game I like to play:

I go to Google and ask a question, then hit "I'm feeling lucky". Whatever comes back I try and find meaning in it - an act of imagination - imagining that the internet is this great mind that I am a part of and can somehow help me answer some of the questions I have. It's just a game I play so I don't need to take it seriously, but while I'm 'playing the game' I do.

Today I typed "what must i do with my life". This is the link it returned: Rainer Rilke - What Must I Do With My Life?.
The answer - I need to figure it out for myself by searching my soul for what I'm really passionate about, and then design my life around that as if I was an artist painting a picture. I like that answer :)

So - go ahead - how about you try it and see what happens ;)

I know more than I know I know

2007-10-09T10:00:00.000+02:00

I had a discussion recently that went something along the line of "I know a lot more than I know I know". What I mean is that I have limited knowledge - understanding stuff, but my body has an immense amount of knowledge. Thousands of years of evolution has taught this body of mine how to heal itself, how to think, how to transform light into meaning. While I ('me' - the Ego?) have only had 36 years to accumulate 'knowledge' - my body (which is me actually) is the accumulation of thousands of years of knowledge. If I cut myself - I essentially know how to heal myself. While I have very little idea of how it actually works - I know how to do it because a few days later I look and the cut is gone.

So I thought perhaps I need to refine my definition of knowledge - this is what I was told by the great oracle known as wikipedia:

"There is however no single agreed definition of knowledge presently, nor any prospect of one, and there remain numerous competing theories."

hmm - so no-one really knows..

Perhaps the key then is to not rely so much on what 'I' know and try and uncover what I really do know - I just don't know it

the little things..

2007-10-08T09:06:00.000+02:00

I spent yesterday at Brandvliet prison..
Hmm - actually - my daughter was involved in a triathlon and that's where it was held. It's not a bad place. The weather was foul but Jess did brilliantly. Unfortunately - somewhere along the line I lost my phone. The good news is that someone found it and had the sense to phone two of my friends, who both contacted me (through facebook and email), and whoever found then left it at the venue. So now all I need to do is go back and fetch my phone.
It's really cool when something like this happens - not losing my phone, but when someone takes the trouble to do the right thing. I guess one can philosophize about life and perception and the meaning of words and all that - but when it comes down to it, it's the little things - the practical things that really make a difference in life.

On another note - I'm busy reading "The archaic revival" by Terence McKenna. It's been described as "A cyclone of unorthodox ideas capable of lifting almost any brain out of its cognitive Kansas.." - my kind of book ;)
I'll try give the book a bit of a review once I'm a bit further into it, but I'm really enjoying the style of writing and some of the things that are said. It's the right book for me to be reading at right now.

Later P-)

Keeping an open mind

2007-10-05T08:36:00.000+02:00

If I look at a object, for instance a coin, I can only see one side, unless I turn it over. Then I can see the other side. If it was impossible for me to turn the coin over , and the only way I could see the other side was by talking to someone else who could - my knowledge of the coin would only grow by listening to the other person - by trying to "see it" through their eyes.

I think life is like this. It is impossible for one person to know everything because we can really only see and experience life through our eyes, and our body. To grow, then, I need to listen to others and open my mind to their point of view. The more different their point of view is to mine - the more it will stretch me. I don't need to agree with them - just try and see what they see and experience what they do. Truth is often found in the middle of two opposite points of view.

Some more thoughts on words and communication

2007-10-04T09:07:00.001+02:00

I'm not sure who originally said it - but I love the statement "words don't have meaning, meaning has words".I find this is so true in communication, especially when one moves into the realm of beliefs.
Someone asked me the other day what I believe in. I asked them what they meant by belief - it's a very loaded word. From their answer I learnt more about them. They asked me if I believed in a higher power. Now what does one mean by "higher" and "power"?
I think that when you move away from the "correct" answer to these questions and start looking deeper - honestly, you find "something" that is beyond words. The challenge is then to put "that" in words so that "it" can be communicated. But can it really be communicated, other than encouraging others to do the same, and to figure it out for themselves?

The language without words

2007-09-28T09:00:00.001+02:00

My day seems so full of words - words that have meaning, words that get misinterpreted, words that disappear into thin air, words in my mind - a constant stream of noise. Today I am going to try and keep silent. I'm going to try and listen with not just my ears, but with my sense of smell, sense of taste and try and listen beyond words. I want to try and speak with my eyes and my actions - learn to speak the language without words. But to start I need to stop typing these words and be silent...

Finally online

2007-09-27T17:53:00.000+02:00

Finally managed to set up ADSL at home - so this is my first post from home in my study.

Technology

2007-09-26T09:15:00.000+02:00

Tried to install ADSL at home last night. I needed to connect a telephone wire from the kitchen to the study. Sounds easy - but it took me about an hour to get it connected because I kept on breaking the wires when i tried to strip them. I eventually set everything up and went through the installation process only to find I needed an 'order number' and I had no idea where to fine it. So - a whole evening wasted.
Got to work this morning and I couldn't log in because something had changed. I felt powerless not having my pc. It's wierd that everything I do sees to be so dependant on technology and being 'linked in' to this bigger something - the internet.
So now I'm waiting for my settings to be backed up and thought I'd try this blogging thing again. It's cool - kind of like a silent psychologist listening to whatever it is I want to say. I wonder if anyone will read this stuff - but I guess it doesn't really matter. It's a way of recording some of myself without having to attempt writing a book, although that is also something I'd like to do.
Ok - enough rambling for now..

Starting Out

2007-09-25T17:12:00.001+02:00

I don't know how many times I've tried to start blogging. There's just something about putting my thoughts on the www for all to see that makes me type, and then delete - almost if I want to reserve the right to change my mind. Anyhow - here goes...No doubt I'll get into it and my blogs will contain a bit more information about my thoughts, beliefs and the way i experience life. We'll see :)